I had the most wonderful intentions of documenting at least once a week throughout this pregnancy. Fast forward to what life actually looks like and here I am at thirty four weeks feeling like I’m barely hanging on to a cliff edge to get to the end of this pregnancy.
Now guys this isn’t an attempt to get heaps of people to feel sorry for me, in fact I would say a major part of the reason I am hesitant to write often is because my experience of pregnancy is not the best and I don’t want to appear ungrateful, or negative for other people currently on the road with me or wanting to get on the journey of motherhood. I’m just being real about my experience because this is what it is. I have friends that make this S%#t look good and I love that for them. It’s not always like this I just got lucky so please don’t take my experience for gospel.
In fact I wrote to a friend of mine this morning saying
“Things I’m not good at”:
- Dancing (although with a few drinks under my belt I think I’m bloody awesome)
- Pregnancy (the way I spew you’d think I had more than a few drinks under my belt)
Last pregnancy I was much, much more ill with the morning sickness until the very moment Isaac emerged into the world and then it just disappeared like it was a bad dream, never to be thought of again. This pregnancy whilst still being sick every day and having some days worse than others there has been respite as well which has been life giving.
The kicker however, caring for my sweet boy has meant that despite having a cheerleader who claps beside my head every time I throw up followed by an ever shocked and amazed “Whoooaaa!!!!” we also have to go straight back to the sand pit, park, bike run, book club, animal sounds, lunch, nappy change, rocking to sleep, tantrum, swing, hot wheels game, colouring in or whatever activity it is that we had so rudely interrupted immediately afterwards. This goes on from sun up to sun down and then if I’m lucky a few sneaky times during the night when he decides he needs a little extra cuddle from mama. It’s one thing being tired from growing another human but it is a whole other ball game having your body refuse to let you fuel it for a large part of nearly each and every day. It becomes a bit of a sick joke (no pun intended, but a good one right?) after a while.
I wanted to capture each week in a photo, document my body growing and becoming so full with child it’s barely recognisable to it’s former self. Reality… looks like me seriously contemplating whether a shower is necessary at the end of each day. A large part of this is attributed to chasing after my hurricane of a toddler and all the other second, third, fourth and beyond (legends!) time mums can attest to this I have no doubt. Being a mum is tiring, growing a human is tiring, doing both is intense. I’m trying my best to be the real MVP though because these are my last weeks and months with just me and my boy before he has his world totally and utterly rocked by an imposter he never asked for (although will be eternally grateful for in the years to come). I want to treasure every moment we have together, I want to remember every facial expression and never forget the way he holds my hand to fall asleep. I know he will seem so big once his sibling arrives but he isn’t! He’s my tiny, little, baby boy and without being a crazed mum I want him to stay that way.
The only thing that is certain now is change and I know it is in the air. I just don’t want to forget these days that we are living in because they, along with this boy of ours, have shaped me as a woman and made me a mother. I am a better version of me (although much more haggard) and I feel like I can and will do anything for my family. I am a better wife, albeit marriage looks different now; Mylo is a better husband and a rock solid Dad. I would go into battle for these people, my people. I feel so fiercely protective of them, kind of like a pitt bull. Such a strange feeling to have a love so earth shaking it can make you this way.
Reading that last paragraph back it’s no wonder Isaac has such big feelings. I wouldn’t change my boy being the wild child that he is as much as it tests me. He challenges me in so many ways and is so similar to me, the difference being he doesn’t yet have the ability to manage those emotions as I do, although sometimes I doubt that I am as well equipped as I think I am haha!
The point of all this being that, Mylo, Isaac and I are beyond excited to meet our little sweet pea and although I know that with the birth of another member of our little Field Family will come all the challenges. Splitting my time between all of my greatest loves, newborn sleep deprivation, sore nipples, sore bits, organs that have been homeless returning to the promised land, peeing when I laugh, sneeze, weep or push the swing too hard and if I thought showering was hard before baby number two I’m sure it’s about to get a whole lot harder.
I am however, looking so forward to feeling like me again. When I’m Kelly Field I can handle life, right now I feel like my body is out on loan, which is SO fine. I wanted this and it is the most amazing experience (next to birth) that I’ll ever get to live and I thank God every day that I was chosen to be the mama of my babies but I do miss me. I do miss being more upbeat and positive. I miss being able to do a deep squat with Isaac in my arms without sounding like I’m going for a Cross Fit Nationals title.
This too shall pass people and in the final weeks I do hope to document more about this little adventure that is short lived, character shaping and life giving; no matter what it looks like. This is my path to walk and whatever it looks like it is without a doubt making me a better version of myself and shaping me for the season we are about to enter as a family and for that preparation I am eternally grateful.
So here’s to the wonder that is Motherhood!!!
PS – Just want to give a shout out to Mylo who has been an absolute legend through all of this. There is no doubt in my mind that we were born to be together.