DAY 2 -Mum Guilt

Mum Stuff, Pregnancy

In the throws of labour all I wanted was to go home to Isaac and give him a cuddle, I missed him so and wanted to feel him snuggled up in my arms. I had also hoped for a four hour discharge with Maverick so that our little family could be together in “our” space. Maverick didn’t get that memo and so him and I have spent the night together in hospital which was also the most amazing time with just him and I. Possibly the calm before the impending storm???

It was also fairly lucky for Mylo as Mav was on mission to bring my milk in and so we have sat up from about eleven last night until six thirty this morning feeding. What a wonderful way to usher in his second day on earth; watching the sunrise whilst feeling like your nipples might fall off because they’ve been attacked by a Pirana overnight.

Sleep is not on the cards for me yet though as if I want to get discharged today we need to get up and cracking so that the doctors can all give us the green light to go home. If we are asleep they’ll skip ahead to someone else and next minute it’s five pm and we are still here. So here I am awake thinking about the logistics of our new norm.

I thrive when I’m making other people happy, I am an extrovert through and through, my cup is full when I am with others and if I am helping them then we are dealing in my currency. Having children seriously hinders my ability to do that. I cannot be on the phone long because Isaac gets upset that my attention is elsewhere, I cannot drop everything I am doing to rush to the aid of a friend (naturally extreme exceptions would apply, but in the general sense) and I do not have unlimited time, energy or resources to give to people. Let alone the juggle to be a good wife and somewhere in there be good to myself.

This has been one of my greatest challenges over the last eighteen months since becoming a Mother.

Knowing this about myself I am aware that I am a prime candidate for “mum guilt” which I have expanded to family guilt because from any angle there is the ability to feel like you’ve fallen short. Look I know that every mum regardless of their personality type is a candidate for guilt but I’d be lying if I said that meeting every need of my two children equally was not of greater concern for me leading up to this birth than the birth itself. All I want to do in life is be everything to my kids and I know that this is physically impossible with one of them let alone once I have two; as is now the case.

Isaac loves Mav so much, he is beyond excited every time he sees him but he is a little like a big beautiful Labrador. He bounds round knocking things over with his big tail and paws not understanding the power he is wielding by his size alone in comparison to his baby brother. I know I’m going to have to be very diligent with their interactions as he is still such a baby himself and things could easily go sideways.

How on earth do I tag team with Mylo so we spend equal amounts of time with each child when Mylo unfortunately can’t breastfeed? Oh and he’s our bread winner as well so realistically I’ll be spending much more time alone with the kids than we will be as a family, as is the way our society has deemed it be with the cost of living and all. How do I make sure Isaac doesn’t get jealous of the hours and hours I will spend feeding and burping over the next twelve months. How do I make sure that Mav isn’t neglected unless he needs feeding?

How do I manage this guilt coupled with the sleep deprivation, hormone surges, physical recovery and everything else that comes with the birth of a new baby?

I’ll let you know I guess because whether I figure it out or not, it’s going to happen and I will one way or another make it through.

I guess the best thing I can do right now is try to remember that “Mum Guilt” is a joke and doesn’t deserve the thought space as it is impossible to achieve the standards we set ourselves as parents. I still believe we should set them high and try our darndest, but when we fall short we should take it as a lesson learnt and move forward without beating ourselves up over it.

DAY 1 – Love is a “Super Power”

Mum Stuff

What a wild ride birth was. The most intense and yet incredible experience I’ll likely ever have and one I already dream about having again; yet don’t think I will.

Born a 3:05am on Wednesday the 29th of January 2020 little Maverick came into our lives and has already left the biggest impression on our hearts. I honestly didn’t know how I could possibly love anymore after Isaac and my heart has shown me yet again what it is capable of; which is much more than I ever give it credit for.

We are buggered! Mylo is currently napping in my bed for what could be one minute or two hours depending on the needs of our new babe and I.  No one’s really sure but he will take what he can get  and I am on the biggest euphoric high, reclining in the chair in the corner of the hospital room getting very distracted from typing to stare at our littlest bundle.

But I needed to write, I needed to take these thoughts and feelings permanently out of my head before I forget them because as I learnt from my precious babe number one, the only thing that is certain is change and that change happens so fast. I never want to forget these feelings in these moments because they will never be again.

I’ve decided that love is in fact a “Super Power”. A power that we all possess, yet if we don’t learn to channel it and use it regularly, constantly even, we will more than likely never experience it’s true ability to transform our lives.

Children have the most amazing way of showing us and being to us exactly what we need to learn in the way of love without us even knowing that we needed it or realising that we were their students in the first place.

If only we could do for one another what we would do for our offspring the world would be such a wonderful place. Although I guess on the flipside of that, “hell hath no fury like that of a mother protecting her young” so I can see how it can turn sour pretty quickly. But what if we remembered that the fury we were directing was towards someone else’s child who many not have received the same love that we are showering on our own. What if we realised that possibly the very behaviours that are triggering extreme emotions in ourselves are actually just cries for help and desperation to experience connection and the person exhibiting them can sense that you could give it to them but they don’t know how to ask.

We are a funny little species, the human race, and how our unmet needs manifest into behaviours is downright bizarre sometimes if you ask me, but I pray that we would be able to use our “Super Power” to respond positively and heal each other rather than use is as a weapon against each other. I’m sure I’m way too tired to really think this through based on how my hands are shaking on the keyboard as I’m typing and I’m micro-napping every now and then but I believe the key to this, our “Super Power”, is by giving it unconditionally. The moment we remove, limit, restrict our love due to not liking or understanding the interactions and behaviours we are having and witnessing  with another our love becomes conditional and we lose all the “Super” out of the “Power” making it just a normal battle where really, there is no winner. By choosing to be unconditional regardless of the other party we soar above it all and we all win in the end. It may not look like a traditional victory but both of us would leave the situation forever changed for the better.

I’m not going to fight this next micro-nap, let’s ponder this more later.

Kel

xxx

38 Weeks – In The Waiting

Mum Stuff, Uncategorized

I made some lactation cookies yesterday for a friend whom just had a beautiful baby girl, I also laced them with a ridiculous amount of choc chips because, well… why the hell not?!?! It’s her first bub and she is absolutely killing it but as anyone who has already had a baby would know you don’t feel like you’re killing it in that first little bit. It’s a cocktail of emotions, physical torture and having no idea what the hell you’re doing but reading all the things to find out what you’re doing in the small windows when you’re meant to be resting.

We were catching up as part of our first ever little Mother’s Group. Actually, I won’t be calling it that, I’m going to call it a Survival Group. These two girls were my bridesmaids and it’s such an incredible blessing to be able to live and share this part of our lives together because we all know it’s hard AF and can be quite lonely so having people to do it with is pretty damn special. A non-judgey, non-comparative little gang where we can just cheer each other on once a week. Who would have thought that would become my idea of a good time haha!!!

In any case my other gal pal has clearly also had a delightful little baby girl and she too is killing the game (it’s her second bub). Now, clearly I am still waiting for my sweet pea to arrive earth side so technically I’m attending without yet meeting membership requirements BUT oh my lordy has it given me a gentle reminder of what is to come in the weeks that follow birth. Regardless of if it’s your first, second or third baby they are all so different and whilst yes, it is less of a shock the second time around, I also think our brains trick us and we forget. We only remember the highlights reel or something. Maybe we block it out because it falls into traumatic events/time in our lives? Plus, no two babes are ever the same so the training ground you’ve come from is useless on this new and unknown obstacle course you’re now on other than maybe some slight muscle memory.

The babes that have been birthed are both so wonderful yet different, which means they both present different challenges to their Mother’s. They’re different from each other, different to they’re sibling, different to their friends and as Mother’s we struggle with different things each time around or in my case, each new day. Some days the long nights wouldn’t bother me and other days the thought of night fall gave me heart palpitations. It’s pretty crazy how you could be a Mother of five and yet still be blindsided by the arrival of your sixth baby because it presents you with challenges you’ve never been faced with before. That coupled with the hormones, the sleep deprivation and the healing from birth and it may as well be your first time. Our bodies don’t ever know what’s coming or get used to it. How crazy is that???

So why do we tend to only think new mums need help? It seems to me that a Mother every time she births another babe is in need of the same assistance, love and nurturing of a first time mama. In fact maybe they need more help because they have other little ankle biters around the place demanding attention as well. If you know anyone having their “not first” baby please take them a meal, do some washing, check in on them and treat them with the same care and attention you would a first time mum. No matter where you are on the journey it’s a difficult road and community seems to be the only thing that helps. Having your people rally around you and knowing you’re not alone in this even if no one else can do it for you; just feeling supported and like you have a personal cheer squad is the best most uplifting feeling in the world.

I’ve tried to take the time to assist where I can before the arrival of my own little nugget but even that is limited due to the nature of toddler life with Bam, being heavily pregnant and on the vomit wagon still. Once I have the babe I will be even less able to help as I will be in the trenches with the girls. I will say though, knowing you’re not in those trenches alone, knowing that others are right there with you and knowing that other people have climbed their way out before you is a pretty powerful thing.

*Written whilst bouncing on a fit ball hoping that the tightenings of the night just gone turn into surges strong enough to birth a baby*

 

36 Weeks – Prepared to Birth

Mum Stuff, Pregnancy

This weekend marks 36 weeks of sheer bliss and pregnancy (haha or absolute exhaustion and torture). To say that I am excited to birth this little rascal is an understatement and I mean that in all seriousness. You see, birthing Isaac was a wonderful experience and I look back at the day fondly. This time around though, having experienced labour and birth once already, I feel less anxious about the things that consumed my mind last time which has made room for my feelings of excitement and anticipation of what my body is about to do to fill the space.

Since having my first child, as is the way with a lot of things in life, I have heard many stories, and learnt about the many different paths that birth can take. Like when you buy a red car and then all you see on the road are other red cars. I almost feel like there becomes this invisible attraction to all things baby and birth. Some stories were incredibly sad and devastating although, most were overwhelmingly empowering and ended with mother, baby and father safe and sound. Either way the one resounding feeling they all left me with was the desire to understand what my body was going to go through and to be better equipped to handle the different stages so I could have another positive, yet different, experience with this birth; different being the only guarantee I had.

In order to achieve this I decided that Mylo and I would attend a Hypnobirthing course. I had been listening to the Australian Birth Stories podcast for quite some time and a resounding commonality across a lot of the positive stories that involved couples who had completed this course and as a result had a wonderful experience, not all the same, some in hospital, some at home, some ending in caesarean, some ending on the front lawn . Now of course there were others and they were phenomenal too and there are many other courses out there but I just felt this was the one for us. Upon looking at the Hypnobirthing Australia website and searching a practitioner near us I actually gravitated heavily towards one woman Natalie Andrew on the Northern Beaches. For whatever reason I just felt that Natalie was the woman we would respond to well and that Prepared to Birth would be the place where we would learn more about how to remain calm and positive during birth no matter what turns it may take.

Before we go further it would be of value to note that Mylo was mildly sceptical about this course to begin with but once I explained to him the importance it held to me he was all in and ready to roll. Natalie was more than prepared for this and assured me that by the end he would be an advocate and she wasn’t wrong. You see, this birth I had chosen to leave the Private System (as wonderful as it was) and go to the local Public Hospital which is literally two hundred metres from our house. With only four rooms in the birthing suite it is similar to that of a country hospital. Given that Isaac was a pretty straight forward birth without complications (more or less) I was keen to be under the midwifery driven care and felt really good about where we would birth our next child. I did however, feel there to be a need for Mylo and I to be a stronger team, for him to be better equipped to “coach” me through things and for him to be able to advocate for me throughout the process. I also felt I needed to know what the hell was really going on during the whole thing so I could be less fearful of the experience.

We ended up with a private course, by absolute chance on our part, and some changes to client needs on Natalie’s part. Mylo and I appreciated this greatly, being small business owners ourselves we can sympathise with the possible financial implications of this situation. We felt so special and the genuine sense of care and passion for education and us from Natalie was further cemented. We talked at length about what a “positive birth experience” was to us, what our fears were around birth and everything in between. Mylo and I had the opportunity to work through some things that neither of us knew we each had concern for under the gentle guidance of Natalie and by the end of day two we felt both equipped, resolved and most importantly an incredible sense of excitement to birth our babe.

This course wasn’t about having a drug free, natural birth in the bush whilst wearing a flower crown despite even my own first misconceptions, but rather about knowing what it is that we wanted out of our birth, knowing the different options available to us and  understanding what it was that the female body goes through when it births. Most importantly we left the course having the same confidence in my body to birth this babe as we did in it to grow the little tacker. As was pointed out by Natalie, we don’t question our body’s ability to grow a whole human in forty weeks and yet we feel so nervous that we would be able to evict the little life we’ve created when the time comes (she said it much more eloquently than that but you get the point). We doubt our body’s ability to  know the right time to bring the babe out of the oven, we doubt our body’s ability to get the babe out safely.

Now, please don’t misconstrue what I’m saying as a stab at modern medicine, I fully understand that every day thousands of mothers and babies and saved from very dire situations originating from either the gestation period or birth of a baby and I am so thankful for the minds that study and explore these areas and are so able to do that wonderful work. I do however, believe that as a society we’ve begun wearing the births we experience as a sort of war story and possibly, that’s fair enough. Have we talked down the wonder of birth so much over the years as something that is just expected we should do and handle as women and lessened the both wondrous and arduous experience that is birth that. So much so that now we feel we need to remember and retell of the experience as one of pain, fear, suffering and trauma in order to gain the recognition we deserve for doing something that yes, we are perfectly designed to do, yet also the hardest thing we will likely ever do. That is unless you’re also climbing to the summit of Everest or running an ultra marathon in your life time, two things I know personally I probably won’t be doing. Even if you did, I still maintain that birthing your babe is in a league of it’s own. It is something that you can mentally prepare for yes, but essentially you have to trust in your body, have the right support around you who also know your body, can read you, know you as a person and believe in you and your said body. There are so many variables at play in a birth and it takes you really trusting that your body knows what it’s doing, trust it knows the baby it is bringing forth and working with it as well as giving it the time that it needs to achieve the end goal.

Anyways, enough of my musings… the point being that I don’t know how my birth will go but what I do know is I am eagerly awaiting the experience. I am pumped to feel more of what my body can do and even though I know it’s not going to tickle and it will be super intense I am looking forward to it. I don’t have a plan to avoid pain relief and I’m not opposed to whatever medical intervention I may need. I am going into this with an open yet strong mindset that my body will do what it needs to do and I will listen to what it is telling me and respond accordingly. I am beyond confident in Mylo and I as a team and cannot wait to tell you all the story of how it unfolds.

 

PS – If you’re keen to do a Hypnobirthing course I highly recommend Natalie, she’s a gun.

34 Weeks – The Home Stretch

Mum Stuff

I had the most wonderful intentions of documenting at least once a week throughout this pregnancy. Fast forward to what life actually looks like and here I am at thirty four weeks feeling like I’m barely hanging on to a cliff edge to get to the end of this pregnancy.

Now guys this isn’t an attempt to get heaps of people to feel sorry for me, in fact I would say a major part of the reason I am hesitant to write often is because my experience of pregnancy is not the best and I don’t want to appear ungrateful, or negative for other people currently on the road with me or wanting to get on the journey of motherhood. I’m just being real about my experience because this is what it is. I have friends that make this S%#t look good and I love that for them. It’s not always like this I just got lucky so please don’t take my experience for gospel.

In fact I wrote to a friend of mine this morning saying

“Things I’m not good at”:

  • Dancing (although with a few drinks under my belt I think I’m bloody awesome)
  • Pregnancy (the way I spew you’d think I had more than a few drinks under my belt)

Last pregnancy I was much, much more ill with the morning sickness until the very moment Isaac emerged into the world and then it just disappeared like it was a bad dream, never to be thought of again. This pregnancy whilst still being sick every day and having some days worse than others there has been respite as well which has been life giving.

The kicker however, caring for my sweet boy has meant that despite having a cheerleader who claps beside my head every time I throw up followed by an ever shocked and amazed “Whoooaaa!!!!” we also have to go straight back to the sand pit, park, bike run, book club, animal sounds, lunch, nappy change, rocking to sleep, tantrum, swing, hot wheels game, colouring in or whatever activity it is that we had so rudely interrupted immediately afterwards. This goes on from sun up to sun down and then if I’m lucky a few sneaky times during the night when he decides he needs a little extra cuddle from mama. It’s one thing being tired from growing another human but it is a whole other ball game having your body refuse to let you fuel it for a large part of nearly each and every day. It becomes a bit of a sick joke (no pun intended, but a good one right?) after a while.

I wanted to capture each week in a photo, document my body growing and becoming so full with child it’s barely recognisable to it’s former self. Reality… looks like me seriously contemplating whether a shower is necessary at the end of each day. A large part of this is attributed to chasing after my hurricane of a toddler and all the other second, third, fourth and beyond (legends!) time mums can attest to this I have no doubt. Being a mum is tiring, growing a human is tiring, doing both is intense. I’m trying my best to be the real MVP though because these are my last weeks and months with just me and my boy before he has his world totally and utterly rocked by an imposter he never asked for (although will be eternally grateful for in the years to come). I want to treasure every moment we have together, I want to remember every facial expression and never forget the way he holds my hand to fall asleep. I know he will seem so big once his sibling arrives but he isn’t! He’s my tiny, little, baby boy and without being a crazed mum I want him to stay that way.

The only thing that is certain now is change and I know it is in the air. I just don’t want to forget these days that we are living in because they, along with this boy of ours, have shaped me as a woman and made me a mother. I am a better version of me (although much more haggard) and I feel like I can and will do anything for my family. I am a better wife, albeit marriage looks different now; Mylo is a better husband and a rock solid Dad. I would go into battle for these people, my people. I feel so fiercely protective of them, kind of like a pitt bull. Such a strange feeling to have a love so earth shaking it can make you this way.

Reading that last paragraph back it’s no wonder Isaac has such big feelings. I wouldn’t change my boy being the wild child that he is as much as it tests me. He challenges me in so many ways and is so similar to me, the difference being he doesn’t yet have the ability to manage those emotions as I do, although sometimes I doubt that I am as well equipped as I think I am haha!

 

The point of all this being that, Mylo, Isaac and I are beyond excited to meet our little sweet pea and although I know that with the birth of another member of our little Field Family will come all the challenges. Splitting my time between all of my greatest loves, newborn sleep deprivation, sore nipples, sore bits, organs that have been homeless returning to the promised land, peeing when I laugh, sneeze, weep or push the swing too hard and if I thought showering was hard before baby number two I’m sure it’s about to get a whole lot harder.

I am however, looking so forward to feeling like me again. When I’m Kelly Field I can handle life, right now I feel like my body is out on loan, which is SO fine. I wanted this and it is the most amazing experience (next to birth) that I’ll ever get to live and I thank God every day that I was chosen to be the mama of my babies but I do miss me. I do miss being more upbeat and positive. I miss being able to do a deep squat with Isaac in my arms without sounding like I’m going for a Cross Fit Nationals title.

This too shall pass people and in the final weeks I do hope to document more about this little adventure that is short lived, character shaping and life giving; no matter what it looks like. This is my path to walk and whatever it looks like it is without a doubt making me a better version of myself and shaping me for the season we are about to enter as a family and for that preparation I am eternally grateful.

So here’s to the wonder that is Motherhood!!!

PS – Just want to give a shout out to Mylo who has been an absolute legend through all of this. There is no doubt in my mind that we were born to be together.

 

 

 

 

Transition…

Mum Stuff

This kid lights up my whole world and I am eternally grateful for him. I would say the last 11 months have been nothing short of a spectacular whirlwind and yet suddenly in the last few weeks things have shifted into what is clearly the next season of our life together. It’s a little too early to call it but we are nearly through the “worst of it” so to speak and it’s now I find myself struggling.

What does life look like now my sweet babe doesn’t need me 24/7?

What is my purpose in life beyond the wonderful one of being a mum?

Could I manage to maintain our home front if I was to return to work?

So many mums have navigated all of this and more before me and so for this reason alone I know that the dust will settle and we will find our groove again but that doesn’t change the feelings that wash over you during the turbulence.

I remember a few months ago thinking that every day was so full with people, catch ups, tasks and yet seemingly overnight I feel like everyone has gone on about their lives and we suddenly have nothing on EVER. (Dramatic Licence Exercised Wildly)

It’s like we hopped off the life train to live out the wonderful season of raising a baby and as you would expect, everyone else kept on going. Now we are getting ready to hop back on and I feel like the train is going faster, people have moved carriages, the timetable has changed and stations are different. I almost feel like it’s the first day of school and I need someone to hold my hand as I take my first steps back into the school yard.

It’s no one’s fault that things are like this, everyone has a family or a career or particular goals that they are focused on and it’s not through lack of want that they aren’t around but rather for the exact same reason that I am where I am. The momentum doesn’t ever slow and if you take your eyes off the prize you might just fall off the treadmill. I’ve done it myself, desperately wanted to help a friend who needed a babysitter, a meal, a tea and a chat and just not been able to offer any help because my resources are at capacity.

Now this is not a “woe is me” attempt but I promised that I would only write about the real things that are happening and the real feelings that are going on and right now this is what that looks like. It is only a small part of a whole big picture that makes up our lives but it is thoughts that I am pondering on currently and so I shall share them.

Friends and I have resorted to delayed and random texts at odd times to let each other know we are thinking of them, birthdays get forgotten, dinners have become lunches and lunches have become tag team meal eating and a thousand half conversations. The amount of grace being exercised for each other is tremendous and thank god for it because otherwise relationships would not survive.

I’m nervous of what work will look like for me now and how best to transition Isaac into day care as I never want to let him go but at the same time can feel that I am needing a little more stimulation for me as a grown woman in my week. I don’t know how to find time to work on my own projects, they always seem to fall to the back burner to every other task around the house and after more than 12 months of not working other than a little bit of freelance stuff we need me to jump back on the horse a couple of days a week which means even less time.

Now like I said many have survived this before me and so I know I will also but that doesn’t remove the fact that change is hard. I feel more comfortable in my role as a mum than ever but the relationship between Bam and I is so fluid currently as his immediate dependency levels decrease what feels like every day. They’re moving from necessity to want and that is both lovely and devastating. When it’s your most important purpose followed closely to being a wife and you feel like you’re becoming redundant it’s a little humbling.

I’m sure in the next month or so all will be revealed and I am so so thankful that I have had this time with Isaac because we will never get it again.

My dear friends; If I have missed things, appeared absent, fallen short in any way I apologise. I am doing the very best I know how to right now and I guess at the end of the day that is all I can do. Here’s to the next adventure and beyond and I cannot wait to see where the path takes us next.

Love always,

Kel xxx

 

9 Months In. 9 Months Out

Mum Stuff

Well isn’t this an absolute treat for us all. If you’ve already seen my Instagram account you would have had you’re eyes treated to the most wonderful sight of me in my undies. Standout I know and clearly a pathetic grab at more followers (jokes… I think I have lost followers since posting it and followers weren’t actually at the forefront of my thought process. In actual fact I don’t even have enough followers to warrant any thoughts if they were to come into my mind and in reality probably only my mum saw the post).

9 months in 3

That aside, I posted my #9monthsin9monthsout pic. Traditionally this is an opportunity for two types of women. Ones who have an incredible genetic predisposition to look good no matter what their bodies go through or how they treat them and the ones who have a little thing I like to call “discipline and self control”. They get their butts into active wear for more than a coffee and when they do have coffee they stop at the coffee and don’t accompany it with a sweet treat or a cheese and bacon roll. These women are incredible and I encourage them to always share these pics of themselves because if I looked that good I’d probably be posting bikini pics of myself twice daily. I do however have a sneaking decision that we are only seeing the “1%” out there on socials.

I get it!!! It wasn’t the most pleasant feeling pressing “share” and made me quite nervous. Oddly enough, the nerves didn’t come from the men in my life that might see it, I felt more nerves about the women who might see it and what they’d think. You see as women i think we really battle to build each other up (there I said it), especially in the realm of motherhood and not because we are nasty little pieces of work but rather our own insecurities about how well we are doing at this mum gig creep in and we feel better when we hear other people are struggling and we get busy trying to prove we’re “killing it” or at least have it perceived that we are keeping it all together.

I firmly believe that just because you find motherhood difficult at times does not mean  you don’t enjoy being a mother. Desperately wanting your baby to take a nap so you can have some down time does not equate to being ungrateful that you have a child. Contemplating the idea of giving your baby Phenergan or a nip of brandy in their bottle so you can get a full nights sleep does not reflect your inability to appreciate the beautiful moments in the still and dark of the nights where your little one calls upon you for comfort.

Anyways all of that to say, that I’m not one of these women and I am, despite the nerves, ok with that. It’s quite the cliche to say I’m so proud of my body and what it’s done for my baby and blah blah blah as it goes; i really am. More importantly though I am so amazed at the fact that becoming a mum has been without a doubt the most selfless thing I’ve ever done and my body is actually purpose built to help me do that. The hormones that are released to help you get through birth, cope with the sleepless nights, be patient with your baby, love your partner, make milk and all the rest are astounding. I feel a little bit sorry for the boys because I’m over here like a super hero with these special powers and there’s Mylo with a double espresso trying to get the same effect.

I have given every single ounce of myself, every ounce of my being to raising this boy as big and strong as I can and we are nearly through the first year. I could almost say we are nearly out of the trenches (or is something coming I’m unaware of, if so can someone  be so kind and please give me a heads up). I may not have my body back but I have without a doubt dedicated 100% of this time to enjoying my wee babe, growing him, loving him, nurturing him, feeding him and teaching him. In the same way with our family I have been enjoying our new dynamic, helping ease the changes as we grow, loving my husband (who suddenly gets a lot less attention), nurturing our little tribe, feeding Mylo as he goes to work each day on very little sleep and with a lot less patience but still striving to do the best job he can and learning alongside him how to be a nice human when you feel a little bit like you might be dying on the inside.

I can sense the change in the air and it’s both welcomed and resented in the same breathe because it means I might not have a reason to wear stretch pants all the time; jokes… but seriously… I know we won’t ever be able to live this time again and yet I need this time to draw to a close for my own sanity. Bam loves being with other people and our little community are more than competent to care for him. Mylo is really stepping into his own as a dad being able to do more and more now that Isaac does things other than just feed and sleep. We are now staring down the barrel at work, more babies, daycare and date nights; it’s all uncharted territory.

mum bod

So this is my body after the most selfless year of my life and there will be more seasons like it I’m sure but for now we are onto the business of being an example to our child of what health, fitness and self care look like. As we embark on this journey I invite you to share with me yours and hopefully find encouragement in mine because let me tell you there is no more an arresting conviction like knowing that your child watches every single thing you do to make you put down the spoon and tub of Ben & Jerry’s at 9am.

Here’s to us ladies (and dad’s) for producing our greatest work of art, our greatest gift to this world and to regaining a sense of self in the process.

 

***NB: I in no way endorse giving babies any form of drugs or alcohol for any reason. Should this be an idea that keeps popping into your head please give me a shout out and I will come on over and have a cup of tea with you to talk it out. We can make a plan or I can even take care of bub for a few hours so you can get some rest, get your hair done or whatever else it might be that fills your cup right on up.

Look at me and I’ll cry…

Mum Stuff

It’s so great to see your friends and revitalize your soul. Life is so busy and the time to catch up with friends gets more and more limited but we are lucky enough to have the most wonderful friends and it’s like we’ve never been apart. Something Mylo and I value endlessly is the friendships we have made.

As it turns out Bam is in a stage of feeling completely overwhelmed by big crowds, loud noises and different environments and would be happy if he never saw anyone but us for the rest of his life (or so it would seem). Fair enough I mean he hasn’t long been holding his head up on his own in the greater scheme of things and here we are taking him to a bar on the beach on a Saturday.

Needless to say keeping Isaac close to us (in our arms) was the way this afternoon was going to pan out. It is such a beautiful feeling when your little one scans a room and decides there’s no one else they’d rather be near than you. Especially since I’m sure he mostly looks at me as a milk dispenser.

He isn’t the easiest baby to carry, 10.3kgs and likes to face forwards at all times Like he’s in a human ergo, but I think we will still take it as a win whilst we can. Mylo’s should we nearly had a dent in it from where he would burrow his little face in when the noise would get louder. My milk would let down and my ovaries ached every time I looked over and saw him snuggling into his daddy’s chest and naturally when we went home I said let’s have another 8 now.

Also, apologies to anyone whom he cried at when they looked at him. It’s not personal, you’re just not his mum or dad and right now that’s all he wants.

It’s pretty amazing how from the day he came out he looked at us and knew that we were his best bet in this world and he would stick with us on his earthly journey. He’s not been clingy before so I’m assuming this is just a stage and we will ride it out so he feels comfortable and knows that he can depend on us always.

Now excuse me whilst I go and get some cuddles…

Feeding to sleep…

Mum Stuff

So here we are… I spent the first four and a half months of this wild ride ensuring that I didn’t feed my sweet babe to sleep as per the very specific instructions by just about every midwife I’d come in contact with.

For the most part it wasn’t too hard but I do distinctly remember several occasions where when it was suggested that I should feed him to sleep because the situation was growing to be bigger than Ben Hur and I said “no I can’t do that, he won’t learn to self settle (not soothe, settle).

Then he got too strong to be swaddled so we were forced to move to the “wing suits” (we used Love To Dream). This went ok and we adjusted quickly and were still successful. Suddenly one day soon after Isaac Peter Nicholas Field rolled. in. bed. Not just any roll, an in his “wing suit” roll  and had to be released as a free range Bam with arms out in his cot for safety reasons. Slowly since that day at roughly four and a half months of age things deteriorated to the point where I was spending more time putting my boy to sleep than he was actually sleeping. A week or so out from Christmas I decided that if we were going to actually make it to Christmas I would need to just give in and feed the poor kid to sleep. I vowed that once we got through Christmas and our trip up the coast visiting friends I would sort it out with a week or two at home before Mylo returned to work. #sleepdeprivationisreal

So there you have it, without any intention to end up here, here we are and it’s both all things wonderful, natural and nurturing as well as incredibly guilt inducing based on what I’d learnt.

Upon our return from our Januray holiday Bambi got a little cold, in fact it took us all out, he also got his first two teeth, then we had to get his tongue tie cut and now the next two teeth are coming in hot. Two weeks have passed…

There just seems to always be something that is preventing us from getting on the “sleep training” wagon and if you tried to tell me that I just need to bite the bullet and do it you can go and bite yourself because when my darling boy is uncomfortable and distressed you can bet your bottom dollar I’m gonna offer him the most comforting thing in his world “my bosom”.

Isaac Field Sleeping.JPG

I’ve chatted to other mums about it desperate for a secret answer, I’ve googled everything I can think of, I’ve even discussed it with my little one in hopes he will understand the arrangement and follow along. Nothing is appearing as a guiding light except for one piece of advice given to me by a long time friend who I don’t speak to often but whom seems to have a handle on this whole motherhood thing. Her exact words were “Oh honey I feel for you… both my boys needed me to feed to sleep and were terrible with sleep really so I don’t have any tips! The only thing that really helped me after trying EVERYTHING was to just surrender to your baby’s needs…” and just like that it’s like everything went quiet, the fog disappeared, a tremendous weight was lifted off my shoulders and suddenly I began enjoying my son and the wonderful gift that is feeding him again.

Cold, Heartless & Cute…

Mum Stuff

The last two nights have been amongst some of the more exciting (by exciting I mean absolute torture) of the last seven and a halfish months… Actually that’s a lie there have been so many worse, but also so many better. Given that these are the most recent in my mind they are the most painful (i’m typing this from my dining table as I feel the call of my bed behind me, beckoning me down the hallway to have a sneaky nap. I’m sipping on my black gold (coffee), ignoring that call and attempting to share a little more with you on the very illusive subject of sleep.

I’m so relieved to say that what has occured here is not the demonic possession what we had initially thought (phew) but in actual fact the dreaded “8 Month Sleep Regression” has come upon us (heard of it? Is it real? It feels pretty real). The last several nights Isaac has been waking up within the hour every hour for the entire night without reprieve. My sweet boy just wakes up so upset and the only thing that will calm him down if at all is the ole’ boobies.

Here’s a little history on that…

Shortly before Christmas i began feeding Bam (as he’s become affectionately known) to sleep. Due to a few speed humps along the way on our sleep journey things had slowly deteriorated and next thing you know here we are; although it annoys me that i even think of it as a negative place to be because it actually feels like the most natural thing on earth. Anyways, I just got to a point where i decided that if i was going to get anything done for Christmas something had to give and its all worked out fine so far; sort of…

Isaac Field Play Pen

Bam goes down to sleep with some nice one on one time with me and it’s so peaceful and lovely. The only real problem we have here (and this is where the “sort of” comes in) is that no matter what is going on Isaac needs me to fall asleep. It doesn’t matter how much Mylo shoosh shoosh shooshes him or checks in on us or makes me a cup of tea or waits for me to come back to bed, no one else can do the job. IT’S. ALL. ME.

Now the other issue that has surfaced is that when he wakes in the night he really wakes, like he’s ready to play a game of competition squash type of  wakes. He sits up at violent speeds giving me nip lash every time he hears one of the many and varied sounds in our house as though it’s some sort of signal to get up for the day. “I don’t think so champ and if you do that to me one more time i’m going to confiscate my nipples until you can treat them with the respect they deserve”.

On second thoughts thats the only way I can get you back to sleep in the night and i can’t be bothered trying anything else because i’m too tired so i’ll let you do it to me a million more times in hope that you dose off and i can go back to my bed which i feel like i barely know anymore.

Anyone else feel me?

I can’t wait to hear from you ladies so please comment below to let me know i’m either

a – not alone OR b – what worked for you c – reassure me i’m not going to die from lack of sleep.