This kid lights up my whole world and I am eternally grateful for him. I would say the last 11 months have been nothing short of a spectacular whirlwind and yet suddenly in the last few weeks things have shifted into what is clearly the next season of our life together. It’s a little too early to call it but we are nearly through the “worst of it” so to speak and it’s now I find myself struggling.
What does life look like now my sweet babe doesn’t need me 24/7?
What is my purpose in life beyond the wonderful one of being a mum?
Could I manage to maintain our home front if I was to return to work?
So many mums have navigated all of this and more before me and so for this reason alone I know that the dust will settle and we will find our groove again but that doesn’t change the feelings that wash over you during the turbulence.
I remember a few months ago thinking that every day was so full with people, catch ups, tasks and yet seemingly overnight I feel like everyone has gone on about their lives and we suddenly have nothing on EVER. (Dramatic Licence Exercised Wildly)
It’s like we hopped off the life train to live out the wonderful season of raising a baby and as you would expect, everyone else kept on going. Now we are getting ready to hop back on and I feel like the train is going faster, people have moved carriages, the timetable has changed and stations are different. I almost feel like it’s the first day of school and I need someone to hold my hand as I take my first steps back into the school yard.
It’s no one’s fault that things are like this, everyone has a family or a career or particular goals that they are focused on and it’s not through lack of want that they aren’t around but rather for the exact same reason that I am where I am. The momentum doesn’t ever slow and if you take your eyes off the prize you might just fall off the treadmill. I’ve done it myself, desperately wanted to help a friend who needed a babysitter, a meal, a tea and a chat and just not been able to offer any help because my resources are at capacity.
Now this is not a “woe is me” attempt but I promised that I would only write about the real things that are happening and the real feelings that are going on and right now this is what that looks like. It is only a small part of a whole big picture that makes up our lives but it is thoughts that I am pondering on currently and so I shall share them.
Friends and I have resorted to delayed and random texts at odd times to let each other know we are thinking of them, birthdays get forgotten, dinners have become lunches and lunches have become tag team meal eating and a thousand half conversations. The amount of grace being exercised for each other is tremendous and thank god for it because otherwise relationships would not survive.
I’m nervous of what work will look like for me now and how best to transition Isaac into day care as I never want to let him go but at the same time can feel that I am needing a little more stimulation for me as a grown woman in my week. I don’t know how to find time to work on my own projects, they always seem to fall to the back burner to every other task around the house and after more than 12 months of not working other than a little bit of freelance stuff we need me to jump back on the horse a couple of days a week which means even less time.
Now like I said many have survived this before me and so I know I will also but that doesn’t remove the fact that change is hard. I feel more comfortable in my role as a mum than ever but the relationship between Bam and I is so fluid currently as his immediate dependency levels decrease what feels like every day. They’re moving from necessity to want and that is both lovely and devastating. When it’s your most important purpose followed closely to being a wife and you feel like you’re becoming redundant it’s a little humbling.
I’m sure in the next month or so all will be revealed and I am so so thankful that I have had this time with Isaac because we will never get it again.
My dear friends; If I have missed things, appeared absent, fallen short in any way I apologise. I am doing the very best I know how to right now and I guess at the end of the day that is all I can do. Here’s to the next adventure and beyond and I cannot wait to see where the path takes us next.